I Like The Way It Hurts
by grimmjow'svitaminwater
Summary: Nnoitra/OC: Nnoitra Jiruga was my hero when I needed to be saved; my antidote when I needed a cure; my Superman when I was Lois Lane. Love is not a toy, nor a joke. Love is painful. It is everything and nothing. You have to like the way it hurts.


A/N: Because I misses you so much, that it's killing me, so I have to write this for you. And it will be wonderfully written, I promise. I will go back and edit it and everything! YESH! So you will be forced to love me! :) Meh HEH! And yes, near the end, she does call him Nnoitry. Yup. Exactly.

You be seein' lyrics. But you have to read until the end to find out what they were. HA. That's my little trap for you. Meh Heh.

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_I Like The Way It Hurts_

_._

_"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn..._

_But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts. _

_Just gonna stand there and watch me cry..._

_But that's alright, because I love the way you lie,"_

Since we were six, he had been my go-to for anything; entertainment, happiness, a friend...he had been my everything since childhood. Nnoitra Jiruga was my hero when I needed to be saved; my antidote when I needed a cure; my Superman when I was Lois Lane. I had always looked up to him (in the emotional and literal sense) for so long, and maybe that's why things didn't work out like should have. Of course, I was so stupid and naive for believing we could have been like characters out of a movie; the kind where a boy and girl know each other for the longest time and fall in love and it all ends perfectly because they live in a perfect freakin' world and everything is just handed to them...

But our story is not anything like that. Never is there a period of time where we were happy for longer than a day, or a minute, or even a slight second with one another. We were never handed everything to us on a platter. Although we had grown with one another and had been side-by-side through nearly everything, our relationship is not one to be proud of, nor ever forgotten. I love, and will always love Nnoitra.

But how can you love someone who cannot love themself...?

. . . . .

"I can't keep comin' back here..." Nnoitra mumbled quietly into his cigarette, his tall, thin body leaned up against the brick wall of the hell they called 'school'. Machi kicked a pebble on the asphalt, mirroring Nnoitra's leaning against the opposite wall. Shrugging, the younger girl rolled her head to stare at the track far off in the distance.

"There's nothing we can do about it. We just have to take the shit and deal," the brunette picked at her nails, scratching the fresh dark purple polish right off.

"I don't fuckin' need this. Neither do you. We're better than this..." Slowly, Nnoitra exhaled a puff of cloudy smoke with his words, letting them float towards Machi. She sighed inwardly, a sudden tight feeling growing in her empty stomach. She hated it when he did this; sharing his personal feelings and thoughts, because she knew that this was her own little connection to him. Without it, their bond would be severed, because that would make him just as closed off to her as he closes himself off to the world.

"What are we gonna do, than? Run away?" Nnoitra's gray eyes caught Machi's emerald green ones as she snapped at him, her body removed from the wall, "We can't do that! No matter where we go, it would still find us! This hate we get from people, it doesn't just go away because we run away from it! The world is based on it, on this criticism and judgment, and we would just end up worse off than we are now! I know you think it can only get better, but trust me, it can't. You saw what happened to Kitty when she dropped out! She got raped and now she's stuck on meth. That's just how this whole freakin' world screws you over," the weight on her shoulders and the tugging in her stomach seemed to disappear as did her words in the cold, crisp morning air. Nnoitra stared, his eyes fixated on the pure anger that was plastered to Machi's beautiful face. He was slowly taking all of it in, analyzing it until all he could see was the truth.

"I realize that, Mach, but it's...it's not just the dickheads who think they're cool for snickering at me or the girls who bitch at you, it's this feeling of suffocation. I fuckin' hate it! This feelin' like I'm trapped here, like if I really tried, I wouldn't be able to go anywhere. There's this invisible wall that is keeping me here, and it's like hell for me..." The taller ashed his cigarette against his arm, showing no sign of pain from the feeling of the burn. She hated how neither of them could stay calm in anger, the way they related on so many levels. It was that connection that she loved and feared...

"...I'm sorry...I am. But...I don't know if I could just get up and go like that. I hate it here too, Nnoitra, and I would go anywhere you go, you know that...just not like this," As if to signify the finality of her statement, a bell rang obnoxiously from inside the building, and the instant chatter of teenagers began like wildfire. Machi bent over, grabbed her discarded bag, and headed for the doors, guilt looming over her like a cloud filled with acid rain.

.

_"I can't tell you what it really is, _

_I can only tell you what if feels like. _

_And right now, there's a steel knife in my windpipe. _

_I can't breathe, but I still can fight. _

_As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight," _

_._

Dirty clothes laid in a small pile in the corner, as if being shunned for their dirtiness. Empty cans of soda lay in the open, and empty cans of beer were hidden in the closet. Posters made the walls and her bed was far from made. This sounded like the room of any normal teenager girl, but this room belonged to Machi Knockamaura. And she was anything but a normal teenage girl.

"Jesus, you listen to this shit?" Nnoitra laughed, a small compact disc between his index and middle finger. Looking flustered, the younger girl snatched the music from him, protectively.

"Yes, I do, thank you. How can you not love them?" Nnoitra rolled his eyes as Machi continued to rummage through a drawer of clothes. He loved teasing her like this.

"'Cuz I don't like listening to whiny shit you call 'music'. That's why," grabbing a handful of tee-shirts, Machi turned to face the raven-haired boy, a glare set in her eyes.

"You're just a critic, aren't you?" She replied hotly, reaching for her large duffle bag and shoving said tee-shirts inside. As she did this, the sudden feeling of Nnoitra's eyes burning holes in her back began to eat away at her. She felt the need to give into her temptation to turn and look, but instead, she began to fold her jeans into neat little squares. Silently, the older boy mindlessly played with a string of carpet, his mind far back in the past. As if it was in black and white, Nnoitra felt as if he was remembering an old T.V. show the way it felt so unreal. He could vividly picture himself throwing stuffed animals abusively at his eight-year-old best friend, absolutely soaking up her hysterical laughter. He could feel her pony tail in his hand as he tugged at it, making her say that he was 'king of the world' as she cried out, begging him to quit. As the colors began to blur and fade, Nnoitra slipped back into reality; back into the present situation in Machi's bedroom.

"You really don't have'ta do this..." As if she hadn't expected him to speak for the next 20 years, Machi jumped out of her skin, swiveling on her heel. The tense feeling that filled the air was nearly palpable, causing panic to swell up in Machi's throat.

"I know. I don't have to...I need to. I realized without you," She began, her heart tugging in her chest like a toy shared between two children, "...my life would be boring as hell, so why not just go with you?" Nnoitra couldn't help but to hate himself for tearing her up like this. He never wanted to make her tag along, but God, what was he supposed to do with her? Pushing his lanky self off the ground, the teen placed a firm hand on Machi's tense shoulder.

"When your all packed up, get over to my place as soon as possible. I'm sure neither of our parents won't be home to give two fucks when we leave..." Those were the last haunting words Machi heard before the sound of the front door slowly closing. It was the familiar lullabye that kept her sleepwalking through life.

. . . . .

_"High off of love, drunk from my hate. _

_It's like I'm huffin' paint and I love her. _

_The more I suffer, I suffocate. _

_Right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates. _

_Me, she's fuckin' hates me and I love it, wait! _

_Where you going? I'm leaving you. _

_No you ain't. Come back. We're running right back," _

_. . . . . _

"Mmmm-fuck..." Machi watched the ceiling above her from her position on the bed, back pressed so hard into it, she swore she was going to become apart of it. She listened to the sounds of Nnoitra on top of her, body grinding against hers. He spat strings of curses as he continued, removing her panties with ease.

Machi counted the speckles on the ceiling, her entire body disconnected from her mind. She could still smell Nnoitra's scent (the one that had been her drug for so long), still feel like warmth surround her body, still hear the rain hitting the window like pebbles. Yet, her mind was a ghost, haunting that room with it's presence, starring down on the scene with disgust. Her vision went in and out of focus, turned from vivid color to black-and-white, and began to double over time.

"Ma-machi..." Through grit teeth, Nnoitra growled into her ear, taking a hold of her skin in his teeth to silence his moans. A sudden gasp of air was what brought Machi back to earth, her mind and body connecting once again. Her lungs finally filled with much needed air that tasted like mildew and cologne. She shut her eyes tightly, whimpering at the sudden need to be touched. Taking her hand, she guided one of Nnoitra's and placed it on her hip, where his thumb massaged the bruised skin there. She hissed out of pleasure, biting her lip until she forgot how dry they were. His fist began to beat at that same bruise, his teeth now on her earlobe. Machi could not find her voice, so she stayed quiet, letting out small noises from the pain.

"You're so fucking amazing," his voice cracked as he grabbed Machi's supple hands, raising them above her head to pin her. Her whole body was exposed to him, his canvas of bruises and cuts that sent him back into his memories of long, stormy nights before this very one. Diving for her stomach, he captured more skin in his mouth as if it was meat to a starving man. His love bites left bloody cuts which he gladly cleaned, causing Machi to shudder from the feel of his tongue.

"You gonna promise to keep those hands up there?" the raven-haired man asked huskily, barely looking up from his play toy. Without much feeling, Machi nodded, watching the glint in his eyes grow.

_"You ever love somebody so much, _

_you can barely breathe when your with 'em?_

_You meet, and neither one of you even know what hit 'im. _

_Got that warm, fuzzy feeling, yeah, them chills, used to get 'um. _

_Now you gettin' sick of lookin' at 'em," _

This whole game of pleasure-filled torture went on for hours, leaving Machi will more cuts and bruises than she had ever seen in her whole life. She felt so wrong for letting him do this to her, but this high she got from his violent love was...was beyond ecstasy. No drug could ever top the melting feeling she got from every hit, every bite, and thrust...

"Do you love me...?" That same husky voice asked again, barely registering with the brunette beneath him. Her vision had gone so bright, and her head was spinning.

"Do you fuckin' love me? Do you love what I do to you?"

"Yes..." She whispered hoarsely.

"Say it. Say you love me," His voice escalated, and his nails began to dig into her thigh.

"I love you!" The small girl cried out, her head tilting back from the spinning.

"Louder!" Deeper. Deeper.

"I LOVE YOU!" Her cries had turned into hysterical screams, her body unable to handle the rest of his abuse. His nails had nearly dug all the way through her, and her leg felt numb.

"You have to promise! Promise me that you love me!" With force, Nnoitra thrust his hips, causing the spinning in Machi's head to become nothing but seizure-enducing flips and spins and colors that could cause blindness.

"Oh, God! I promise! I promise! I love you! I promiseIloveyou, ohGOD!" Her whole body seemed to have lost all it's blood, and the only left was the blood in her cheeks. She could no longer see things clearly, or hear the voice of her lover. The only thing she knew was a bright white light that had taken over her vision, and a sudden burst of pleasure that followed moments later.

And in that moment, for some unknown reason, she began to hate his masochist ways. She knew that when she came to, she would see the devastation that he had left her body in. She would hate herself and hate him, and would want to rip out his hair and gouge out his eyes, even though she knew that she loved him too much and he loved her, and it was killing her to keep this up. This had become too much. This had gone on too long, and too far. No...

. . . . .

_"Now you're in each other's face, spewing venom in your words_

_when you spit 'em. _

_You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em. _

_Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments when you're with 'em," _

_. . . . . _

His entire brain just stopped.

He always feared this, but never thought it would actually happen.

No. No. It had to be a mistake. He had to be wrong.

She wasn't standing in the doorway with a suitcase. She wasn't in tears. She wasn't leaving him. Why would she? Why would she leave this new life they had with each other?

What had he done wrong...?

"You fuckin' lied! You said you loved me! If you did, then why the hell would you be standing here, giving me this shitty look?" His voice shook from rage as he closed in on her, towering above her. Her face was stained with mascara tears and cuts, her hair mussed and resting on her shoulders. She was the embodiment of sadness.

"Nnoitra...you know what we had wasn't love," She replied meakly, her tone one of regret.

"Who the fuck are you to tell me whether I loved you or not? You bitch! You...you sadistic bitch!" Blackness was building up in his chest like virus, infecting every little muscle and vein. It seeped into his blood, running dark through him. He hated this. He hated this feeling of vanishing happiness. The way it felt like the rug was just pulled out from beneath his feet.

"Stop it. You're being immature. I promised myself I wouldn't make this hard on you. I don't want to hurt you, but I'm obviously failing if I'm hurting the both of us...God, Nnoitra, don't you think I tried? I tried to make this work! You can't say that you never noticed it...? All we ever do is fuck! We never talk anymore! It's just this lustful passion that is just a flame. It's going out, fast. I can't do that to you, and I can't do that to myself," Machi let her entire body go limp, her reason fading along with her stability. Tears were coming back, caught in her throat like mucus. Blood didn't exist inside her; only self-loathing.

"W-w-wait...no. No. Don't say that. Don't fucking say that! I love you! What do I have to do? We can talk! We can talk all fuckin' day, I don't care! You just. can't. leave. me! I won't let you! That's not fucking fair to me! Shit...shit!" A thin arm found the countertop, hitting it with so much force, a crack formed. Machi winced as if he had struck her instead of the countertop. This time, she couldn't stop the tears. She couldn't hold them back like her screams. She let them fall, hitting the floor, her world crashing around her.

"I'm so, so, SO sorry, Nnoitry. I really am. I really want to love you. God, I've loved you since the fifth grade! But...what this has changed into...it's not what I wanted. And I need you like I need air, but, Jesus, it's so hard to love someone who can't even love someself. I...I can't stay here. I have to go. Please don't make this any harder than it already is," and without another word, Machi had her way out the front door of their dinky apartment that smelled like mildew and cologne, leaving an enraged and terrified Nnoitra, standing dumbfounded in the middle of their living room. His fingers shook and his body trembled. He couldn't identify his feelings anymore. All there was left was this emptiness that began to tear away at him like a black hole. Within seconds, he had lost the most important part of his life, all because he was so damn ignorant about everything. Suddenly, he could feel himself throwing furniture without ever feeling it in his grasp. He could hear the vague sound of glass shattering and his own violent screams. He could remember his vulgar thoughts of tying her to the bed and burning down their apartment...

...and that was the first time Nnoitra had cried in a long time.

Because for the first time, he was alone in the world, and without something to live for.

_"Baby, please come back, it wasn't you, baby, it was me. _

_Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems. _

_Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. _

_All I know is I love you too much to walk away through,_

_come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk,_

_Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?_

_Told you this my fault, look me in the eyeball. _

_Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist for the drywall. _

_Next time? There won't be no next time!_

_I apologize, even though I know it's lies. _

_I'm tired of the games, I just want her back. I know I'm a liar. _

_If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again, _

_I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire,_

_I'm just gonna..."_

_. . . . . _

This is not a love story. This does not have a happy ending. But what it does have is a moment in time, in history, where two people could absolutely need one another to live and exist. This is not about love or hate, or masochistic people, or loneliness...but about how love can only conquer when two people try to make it work. Love cannot just happen. Love must exist and must be held up and accounted for by both people. If it is not, it will blow away with the wind. It will become something wrong and perfect and horrible.

Love is not a toy, nor a joke. Love is painful. It is everything and nothing.

You have to like the way it hurts.

. . . . .

_Meh, the ending was not as good as I hoped. Hey, you got a sex scene that I had to get whale crackers half way through for because I was going to die. MEH HEH! You owe me big time for this one, baby! I want a pony and McDonalds and Grimmjow. I demand it! _

_I love you, because you love Dordonii. _

_THE FOREST IS ON FIRE! BLEEEEELL!_

_Love The Way You Lie is by Eminem and Rihanna. _


End file.
